Hey gamers, have you ever wanted to be among the top 500 players of a video game? And not just any game, but a Valve game? Well, now you can with their 18-month old release, Artifact: a DOTA card game! It hasn’t broken 500 players since the first ninety days it came out. Here’s how to reach the top in 5 easy steps:

#1: Purchase the game on Steam. Artifact costs $19.99 and has never gone on sale. This will be the most difficult part of your path to pro.

#2: Install the game. This’ll take 5-10 minutes depending on your internet speeds and computer specs.

#3: Turn the game on. Once it loads, congratulations, you’re among the top 500 players! Make sure to update your gaming resume.

#4. You might want to do this quickly, because Valve announced two months ago they’re finally going to revamp Artifact’s business model so it stops triple-dipping its playerbase. And thank god, seriously, making you pay for the game, and then for RNG card packs, and then the Steam Community Market for specific cards? And then having NO way to get cards for free? That’s harsh even for this genre.

And finally #5, there is no number 5, you did it! Happy flexing and congratulations, this is aabicus with the SPUF of Legend, go get ’em champ!

(Author’s note: This video is just poking fun, for reals I’m interested to see if the incoming reboot can resurrect Artifact’s playerbase. What we’ve heard about the new business model is a great step, though I think they should have gone the other way and went F2P, keep the Steam Community Market integration but add a method of earning cards through normal gameplay.)